You're really fuckin' funny, dude! I was ROFL when I read your articles! I started to read your book too. Lucy Damian rules! I hope she kicks Clifford's ass!
Steve
Dear Steve,
Thanks for the feedback. I try to amuse whenever I can, but mostly I'm just me. I'm also glad you're enjoying the book, though the fact that you like Luci is a bit disconcerting. I don't like to give away the plot too much, but she pretty much kicks everybody's ass in the novel. She also kicks genitals, heads, and well-meaning canines. Though, given the nature of your comments, the crucifix masturbation scene and the demon sodomy bit should be right up your alley. Enjoy.
G.G.G.
A "friend" of mine suggested I visit your site. I did, and was appalled at what I found. I'm not one of those bible-thumping Christians that you seem to hate so much. I'm just a normal person who happens to love Jesus. I try to make my life an example for others to follow. You too are an example for others. You choose to exhibit your work where anyone can see it. Aren't you worried about the negative influence you are having on the people who visit your homepage? God is not mocked. I am seriously concerned for you. I'm praying that you will realize the wrongness of the path you've chosen and let Jesus into your life. You can mock me if you want to, but I'm completely sincere.
Love Through Jesus,
Joyce
Dear, sweet Joyce,
I'm glad you're not one of those bible-thumping Christians I hate so much. And why would I mock you? You wouldn't get it if I did. So let me get straight to the point. You don't like it? Don't read it. Though I'm certain that if you gave the novel a chance, you might see that it is indeed a pro-Christian battle of redemption. I particularly think you might enjoy the crucifix masturbation scene and the demon sodomy bit. I'd be happy to let Jesus into my life, but my apartment is rather small and you can't pay half the rent with fish and wine, you know. But tell Him when He's in Orlando to look me up and we'll cruise for chicks. If we tie a flannel shirt around His waist I know a couple babes that would go for Him in a big way. And I'm so impressed with your letter that I will forward you a complimentary copy of The Dirty Dwarf screensaver as soon as it's complete. Keep on being a role model, you mind-numbing little sheep-vixen you. And, by the way, God is mocked in about every other chapter of the novel. It's kind of fun, actually. I highly recommend it.
Love through crotchless panties,
G.G.G. (and, yes, G.G. Guinness is my real name. What's yours?)
P.S. Your friend sounds pretty cool. Is she cute? I could make her see God, you know... Unless you two... like..."know" each other in the Biblical sense... Otherwise, I'd love to hear from her.
The Dirty Dwarf was so funny, I stayed up all night reading it. Then, I got in trouble for sleeping in class all day at school. You should warn people. Are you going to do a sequel? Please say yes!
Aimee
Dear Aimee,
Actually, it's been so long since I've been to school that the thought of warning someone about falling asleep in class never crossed my mind. Are you sure it was the books fault? Maybe you're narcoleptic or something. As for a sequel, it's going to depend on fan demand. But, since you spell your name like all the really cute chicks do... yes... Yes...YES!
G.G.G.
I bet you think you're pretty funny or something. I spent an hour reading stuff, but it was all a bunch of stupid shit. Why did you waste my time, asshole. Get a life, loser.
Tom
Tom,
It took you an hour to figure out my shit was stupid? What took you so long? The 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes get eaten by your 8-track? But now that you've come to this amazing epiphany regarding my site, look on the bright side... You'll have a whole extra hour to train for the Special Olympics now... Doesn't that rock? Hugs for the winner...
G.G.G.
I read you article about the unions and it pissed me off. Unions are what made this country great and allowed "the little guy" a say in what happened to him. Before unions, management could get away with type of exploitation they wanted. Now they can't. You'd better hope unions stay strong because strong unions make for a strong country.
Samantha
Dear Samantha,
Thanks for the letter. Sorry to piss you off. Sorry about that lightbulb thing putting all the street-lamp lighters out of work too. With a Luddite mentality like yours, it's no wonder jobs get shipped overseas. Unions had their time in the Industrial Age, but that's a long time ago now. And if you don't think management can still exploit workers, think again. It's just with unions they have to fuck over entire cities worth of them at a time now to comply with union regulations. As for myself, I kind of like living in a country where I can cut my own deal based on my own level of skill and expertise, without being held back by the salary of some butt-cracking fossil making twice my wage for 1/10th the productivity. But I also would fight to the death for your right to be a cog in a corporate machine.
G.G.G.
I loved your article about Denny's! I know how to solve their problem. We'll get a bunch of white people to complain that the blacks got served before us. Then, because they discriminate against everyone, it's not discrimination at all anymore. They treat everyone like shit. Think it would work?
Alan, a repressed white guy
Dear repressed white guy,
Interesting theory. But you forgot that anytime a white person claims reverse discrimination in a white-dominated institution, they get labeled as racist themselves. I do agree that Denny's treats everyone like shit. But we keep going back for more... and we complain when we get slammed... pun intended... But if you try it, let me know what happens... Anarchy of any kind can be a good thing... Personally, I think it's their Altzheimer's Second Chance Program providing their waitress pool that's the source of the problem. Give I-HOP a try.
G.G.G.
Good site. Keep going with the updates. I agree Dennis Miller sucks lately, but look at the quality of drugs he can now afford! I should be so lucky. Anyway, I'll be back to read more!
Liz
Dear Liz,
Thanks for the feedback. Updates are daily, weekly, and monthly, depending on which part of the site you're on. No comment on Dennis Miller and drugs. But that might explain why his material tends to sound like quaaludes and alcohol talking at times. You could be on to something. Let me know how you like the rest of the site...particularly The Dirty Dwarf... It's one of the 25 Funniest Novels of All Time, you know.
G.G.G.